Kayvon and Mamie asked three couples of different generations to speak upon love and marriage during their wedding ceremony. We were honored to be the middle couple. This is the most profoundly collaborative writing we have ever done. Afterward, we promised to share our words. We hope they serve you well.
After making this original post, we learned that the ceremony was filmed and online. How lovely! Should you wish to read this while hearing our voices, the video below will begin with us speaking. Should you have more time, the whole ceremony is lovely; Lisa Rowland served as the officiant and her incredible acting and improv skills made for a zesty, joyful ceremony.
J —
“When the roots of two Douglas Firs run into each other underground, they fuse. Through those self-grafted knots, the two trees join their vascular systems together and become one.”
These words are from Richard Powers’ The Overstory, and it’s one of our favorite ways to think about marriage. Mamie, Kayvon, from the outside, you’ll be these two wildly alive things growing in different directions, but the roots that support that growth will be entwined, a single living system.
K —
You’ll branch as you grow, hundreds of times. The buds for these branches are your dreams. Devote yourself to them. It’s up to both of you to nourish these buds -- your own, each other’s, and the ones you share. The constant, often challenging, often sublime effort of determining together which branches will thrive is some of the greatest work of marriage.
Be wildly creative in your growth. Remember that your branches are alive, and to be alive is to change. Some branches will grow wildly akimbo. Figuring out how they can be part of the extraordinary shape the two of you take standing together can lead to some of the most fruitful growth of all.
J —
Your family, friends, career and city will all have ideas about how you should grow, but it will up to you what shape your branches will take. You may be struck by lightning, blessed with ample rain, or caught in a forest fire. All of these experiences will shape and change you.
K —
If you are some combination of lucky and determined, you’ll realize your dreams. When this happens, you must keep dreaming. Committing to the process of dreaming together, supporting individual dreams and also looking hard for ways they can entwine, has been for us the heart of our shared life, our marriage.
J —
Don’t be afraid to sever a branch that doesn’t flower. Be honest with yourselves as duty to each other, because you can’t be honest with each other if you aren’t honest with yourselves. Don’t sleepwalk through a dream that isn’t sparking for you anymore; have the bravery to speak your truth. Stay present to each other as you grow.
K —
Growth doesn’t happen in perfect tandem. A long marriage is more like a Rube Goldberg machine than a bicycle: glorious and ingenious, surprising. Sometimes in need of patience, a nudge, or reconfiguring.
J —
There is one form of hardship in which one watches one’s beloved struggle. They may struggle for a while. It is often easier to see patterns and solutions from the outside, but we cannot grow for each other. The balance of support, witnessing, advice, patience, and love is delicate, and it’s the work of a lifetime.
K —
The form of hardship we have seen end the most marriages is this one: one partner says “the forest is on fire”. The other partner either denies that this is so or that there’s anything to be done. After trying for a long time, the partner who sees the fire must flee. This reveals the fire to the denying partner who is suddenly moved to save the marriage, but it’s too late. If your beloved tells you your marriage is on fire, they cannot be wrong. If your beloved tells you your marriage is on fire, listen closely. Muster all of your resources. Ask for help. Don’t try to pretend for the children; they live with you. They know. It’s okay for them to see you resolve conflict, that’s how they learn to resolve conflict too.
J —
Resolving conflict, from serious to mundane, can wear you down or nourish you deeply. After we planted a young tree, a neighbor called. A storm was forecast and they insisted that our new tree must be staked or the wind would take it down. We called the wise friend who had given us the tree and he told us just the opposite: the challenge would make the tree grow stronger. He was right.
K —
Resolving conflict well is all about protecting your trust and respect for each other. Anger arises from injury and you must understand the injury that’s making you feel the anger you are feeling. Before you are calm enough to do that, be very, very careful. Do not shout the ugly thing. It is easy to do harm that is hard to fix. Take time to process your emotions on your own if that’s what it takes. Some of the best advice we received at our own wedding was to learn how to table an argument when the timing is bad — if either of you is hungry, sick, intoxicated, or just needs some time to process.
J —
Always come back to the table. Share your hurts, honor them, then find the way forward. Examine everything that brought you to anger and see what you can change together. Bring all of your skills to the table. Being creative, loving, and open-hearted in addressing your conflicts is how you’ll stay strong and healthy together.
K —
We wish you a good life. We wish you sunshine, resilience, creativity, endurance. We wish you blossoms in springtime, good shelter in winter, and just enough nourishing rain. We are honored to be here in support of you, and we invite you to call upon us as the years pass.
We love you.